When Writing Feels Lonely

On finding, cultivating, and maintaining community

Yesterday I came across an email exchange from 2014 where Stephen Sondheim advised Lin-Manuel Miranda on a draft of Hamilton. Sondheim wrote:

Since you're going over the whole thing again in the next few months and have already been on it for four years or more, I would ask: Can you get away from the piece for a couple of weeks, either vacationing or, preferably (since your mind would be occupied and not idling, which would allow "Hamilton" to come flooding in), working on something else? You need breathing space, too. I've found that letting things marinate for a bit (even just a single song for a single day) is great for perspective.

sss (that's siempre, Steve Sondheim)

I found this fascinating for three reasons. First! I give many of you the same advice that the Sondheim gave Miranda: let things marinate, give yourself space from the project, a little perspective will allow you to approach it with new eyes. So Steve and I are basically coaching twins.

Second, things just take a long time for everyone. Miranda was four years into Act One when he decided to share it with Sondheim.

Finally, I’m really struck by the sense of community you feel in these emails. Miranda reached a point where he needed another set of ears, reached out to the world’s most acclaimed musical writer, who gave him encouragement, critical feedback, and his time.

How I would have written Hamilton, were I LMM

When someone asked me to write this newsletter about finding community in academia, I have to admit I thought it would come to me more easily than it has. But I have three imperfect thoughts to share with you about why I think community and writing as so necessarily intertwined.

Writers Need Community

Parallel play. When my kids were small, they would get so excited about having play dates with their friends, only to…completely ignore the other kid the whole time we were together. They would happily play magnatiles or Peppa with their backs turned to each other. As soon as the friend would leave, they would start crying: “I miss Josephine!” and talk every day about how they couldn’t wait to have a play date again. And then they’d happily go back to ignoring each other.

In my experience, creating a sense of parallel play is one of the biggest things that help writers who are feeling lonely or isolated. We’re all working on our own stuff, but we’re in that boat together. There are so many ways to do this! Co-writing sessions (of all flavors - on Zoom, asynchronous, in-person retreats). Having a text buddy that you compare notes with at the beginning and end of the week. Joining writing groups.

Reciprocity, and not keeping score too closely. For some people, having a sense of parallel play isn’t good enough: they really thrive off of having someone to discuss the substance of their work with, and to have them read drafts at early stages. Editors/writing consultants can be great for this! But you can absolutely cultivate your own writing community as well. Part of being a good community member is participating from a position of generosity and reciprocity. If you want people to read your work, offer to read theirs. Find people you have something in common with, and offer to swap early drafts, or be accountability buddies.

But here’s the tension: there needs to be a spirit of reciprocity, and simultaneously a spirit of generosity. It can’t feel like someone is keeping score. I had someone say to me the other day “I did a lot of editing for this person back in 2008 when we were in grad school together, so they owe me…” friend, that was like twenty constitutional crises ago! Don’t keep that score! You also don’t want to be a pushover: if you’re doing all of the work in any relationship, stop! (But also—communicate! Ask questions! Seek clarity!)

Find people who are mad in the same way you are mad. A few weeks ago, when I asked folks on our Slack channel what I should write about, one person wrote something like this:

I have been thinking a lot about how hard it is to sustain critical/radical work when you don't have a radical community…I realized I'm burned out because since I left my prison teaching job I no longer have radical people around me. And there is no one to continue to encourage me to be radical. I continue it in all areas of life, but without the support its draining.

I have three only partially satisfying answers to this, (which is why this post took me so long to write). My first answer is that it’s worth finding your people, even if it’s in unconventional, non-academic spaces. This might mean joining a mutual aid group in your town, or finding an anarchist book club that meets online. I decided to make a curriculum battle in our district the focus of my attention, which has led me to making several new friends who care about progressive education the way I do.

My second sense is that there is a strategic effort right now to burn out socially justice-oriented folks of goodwill, and so protecting yourself and your energy is really important. This means intentionally not trying to hold yourself to a standard the world isn’t holding itself to, and knowing that it’ll be okay because this is a lifetime battle, not a moment (LMM: “it’s not a moment, it’s a movement.”)

Finally, I have found that it helps to tell the universe what you need, and then do the work that can make those things happen. If you want to create a community of feminist scholars who write together, email the ten most awesome friends-of-friends you know of, and ask them if they want to be part of a little online workshop—and then maybe have that transition into a writing group. Again, point 2 applies here—you don’t want to get stuck doing all of the labor, but maybe you can incubate it. My writing groups, writing retreats, and co-writing sessions were all born out of my need to create a sense of community. So, hey—thanks for being here! And being part of my community.

With gratitude,

Kelly

What’s Going on Around Here

Hey! Need a community? I have so many options for you!

**New! So You Want to Finish (or Make a Lot of Progress) Your Book? An Advanced Book Writing Workshop. I’m so excited about this— a year-long, monthly workshop for folks with more advanced book manuscripts. One part troubleshooting/ accountability, one part advanced topics in book writing. We’ll start in May. Details here, register here.

**New! A (very rare) summer Writers’ Circle. I almost always just host two writers’ circles a year—in the spring and the fall, but my sense is that people are in need of some community this year, so I’m going to host a very rare summer workshop in May and June. AND, by popular demand, there will be space for writing built into our meetings: so we’ll talk about writing, and then actually do it. Details here, register here.

Not new, but would still love to have you!

France 2025: An exciting (and fleeting!) announcement: Mirya and I are hosting a very small writing retreat in the wine country in France from July 1-6, 2025. It’s so small we didn’t even advertise it, but—we just had one spot become available. If you’re interested, email me for details. It will be magical, and give you something to dream about as you trudge through the next few months. Email me for more details.

ApWriMo 2025! April 1-11, with a mini writing retreat April 4. You know about AcWriMo—experience our second (third?) annual ApWriMo. Write every day for 10 days, take a break, feel great about the summer starting. Register here, and I’ll send more details. Free!

So You Want to Write A Book?: Two spots left! A unique hybrid workshop dedicated to supporting writers throughout their book writing journey. Start with a new cohort in May! Enjoy discounted registration/early bird pricing through February 15. This year’s cohort just had our January meeting, and it was SO MUCH FUN! Such smart people doing cool projects. Come join us in May! More info here, Register here

Editing: I’m accepting new projects to edit in 2025! My editing calendar fills up three-to-six months in advance, so if you have something you’re hoping to get edited, this is a great time to chat about it.

You can see all of what we’re doing in 2025 here.